The Style Invitational Week 979 The madding crowd
By Pat Myers, Thursday, July 5, 1:43 PM
If you have a glass eye, tap on it
occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
In the memo field of all your checks,
write “for sexual favors.”
Joining one of the zillion
ongoing discussions on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, Loser
David Genser — who’d amassed more than 300 blots of Invitational ink before
making himself scarce for a full decade, then came roaring back last summer —
said he thought “the competition is better now, being on-line and worldwide.
Also, the contests tend to be harder. More verse. More complex rules. Less
ba-da-boom one-liners.”
But we certainly don’t want
to short-shrift our ba-da-booms.
This week, a contest as straightforward as they come,
based on a list the Empress saw, uncredited, on StumbleUpon.com that she knew
the Losers would improve on immeasurably: Suggest funny, original ways to tick
people off, as in the examples above from that list.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives, appropriately, a keychain called Annoying Orange; you push a
little button and the little, nastily grinning fruit yells at you. Wait,
there’s more! We’ll also throw in Lil’ Stinker Bubbles: “Blow bubbles that
reek!” It comes in three varieties; this one is Tommy Toilet. Donated ages ago
by Peter Metrinko.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after
Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir
Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 16; results published Aug. 5 (online
Aug. 3). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 979” in
your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline in
the “next week’s results” line is by Chris Doyle. Join the Style
Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 975, in which we asked you to debunk a “Sixth Myth” in one of a dozen
topics that have been featured in the “5 Myths” essays of The Post’s Sunday
opinion section, Outlook:
The winner of the Inkin’
Memorial
White people: White people
don’t lack rhythm, they just hear a different drummer — and HE lacks rhythm.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
2. Winner of the Spam T-shirt
featuring a Spam “ham”: Cheating: Students caught cheating at Harvard Business
School are NOT immediately offered positions in the banking industry. They got
CAUGHT, for crying out loud. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
3. School food: It is not
true that the USDA ever counted ketchup as a vegetable. However, the school
lunch program does classify school paste as a grain. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls
Church, Va.)
4. The American Dream: It is
not uniquely American. People in all countries sometimes dream they’ve
accidentally gone to school without putting any clothes on. (Robert Schechter,
Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Mythellaneous: Honorable mentions
WHITE PEOPLE: White people
don’t really have smaller butts; they just look that way because of the
clenching. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.)
— We also clap and dance and
sing loudly in church. But only when we see on our phones that our hockey team
scored a goal. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
— White people can jump, but
they are held down by the force of gravitas. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
— White people can dance —
who do you think invented the Hokey Pokey? (Roy Ashley, Washington)
— It is NOT true that white
men can’t jump. Try popping a balloon behind one when he’s about to putt.
(David Ballard, Reston, Va.)
— White people do NOT get all
the ink in the Style Invitational. (Dion Black, Washington)
FEMALE VOTERS: Female voters
do NOT spend hours in the voting booth trying on different candidates. (Gary
Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
— It is not true that female
voters tend to vote for the best-looking politician. Rather, they prefer those
who offer the most weight loss. (Mark L. Reese Jr., Springfield, Va., a First
Offender)
— It has never been proved
that most female voters opt for the man with the biggest feet. (Roger
Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: It is not
true that Lincoln changed his name from Abdul to Abraham to get the Jewish
vote. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
— Despite the billions of
likenesses produced, Lincoln’s skin did not have a shiny coppery tone. (Larry
Yungk)
— Lincoln never actually
considered Ron Paul for a Cabinet post. Paul did, however, get a good speaking
slot at the 1864 GOP convention. (David Genser)
— It is untrue
that public sentiment turned against Lincoln after he had a horse buggy lift
installed in the White House. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
— It is not true that Abraham
Lincoln wore a stovepipe hat to cover up his Mohawk. (Beverley Sharp,
Montgomery, Ala.)
SCHOOL FOOD: It is a
falsehood that school lunches are reprocessed leftovers from airline meals. In
fact, they are leftovers from hospitals. (Robert Schechter)
— It is not true that every
time a student drops his cafeteria tray, a teacher gets her horns. (Lawrence
McGuire, Waldorf)
— It is untrue that what is
labeled as veal cutlets in school cafeterias are actually elephant scabs. They
are rhinoceros scabs. (Edward Gordon, Austin)
— It’s not true that school
menus are determined by their nutritive value. Having poor ballistics is also a
major criterion. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
WATER: Calling water
“dihydrogen monoxide” does NOT make you sound smarter. (Jeff Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)
— It’s a myth that Evian was
named as a backward spelling of “naive” by marketing people who were gloating
that consumers would pay good money for a product they could get for free
inside their own homes by turning a knob. (Mel Loftus, Alexandria, Va.)
— Water does NOT seek its own
level. It seeks the level of your only genuine Oriental rug. (Barry Koch)
BREAST-FEEDING: It is not
true that Christina Hendricks’s baby almost died from overfeeding. However, her
husband was nearly asphyxiated on several occasions. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
— It is not true that New
York Mayor Michael Bloomberg decreed that women may no longer nurse their
babies with giant sodas. (Sally Sieracki, Fairfax, Va.)
— There actually is no
conclusive data showing that babies breast-fed in public will develop an
aversion to men with cellphone cameras. (Larry Yungk)
— It’s a popular but
unfounded myth that breast-feeding is explicitly condemned in Leviticus as an
“abomination.” (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
CHEATING: It is not true that
the increased influence of corporations in America has had a negative impact on
the Supreme CourtTM. (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.)
— It is NOT cheating to
submit a self-referential entry such as this one and win a prize even though it
is not actually a joke. (Robert Schechter)
SUPER PACS:It is NOT true
that a Super PAC, despite being considered a person under the Citizens United
ruling, was turned away from the polls in Florida because it could not produce
a picture ID. (Robert Schechter)
AMERICA’S DECLINE: This myth
should be self-evident: Regardless of how foolish it is, when have Americans
declined anything? (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
— America’s decline did not
in fact begin during the George W. Bush administration. The Style Invitational
was first published in 1993. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Next week’s results: Join Now, or Wit to Be
Tied